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February 28, 1990
I am in India.
It is a bit of a shock. Lot of things to deal with and I find myself wishing
I was home again. All of the sweet comforts of home. All of the joys of
the sweet paradise of Northampton. So, to say the least, it is tough here.
Took a 10-day Vipassana course here. It was miserable. If only I had tried
to overcome the misery more, I would have been alright, I suppose. But
if matters not. I'm still alright.
Got to leave this meditation center. Not looking forward to that. I knew
I shouldn't have been here in a way. I had thought about going directly
to Delhi before leaving. I had also the thought that I didn't come to
India to meditate.
Anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow for Rishikesh. I think I might like it better
there. I don't like the south and the mountains seem friendly to me. I
hope so. I'm definitely not looking forward to the train ride. I don't
know, 25-30 hours. I'm going to try for a first class seat, or better,
sleeping compartment. The rough aspects of India do not thrill me.
The food was novel at first.and I ate it, but now I can't eat much of
it. I've lost much weight. I will probably be as skinny as a rail upon
my return.
I hope things get better. I can't stand walking in the streets and having
everyone talk to me - children asking my name and for money. I really
like to be a very quiet and simple person. I like to be alone at times.
Went for a walk behind the meditation center in a field this evening and
watched the sun set. It was quiet and peaceful. It was the first time
I had been in that space since my arrival. (The meditation course was
crowded. Hundreds of people. The Indians all made noises. Awful meditation
conditions.)
These days I wouldn't say conditons are awful for meditation like that.
While there may be some advantage to having a sterling quiet meditation
space, it is wise to develop the ability to meditate around many different
meditation conditions with varied degrees of noise. This was indeed a
chance to practice under some minor adversity. And, adversity is as much
a part of the practice as peace and quiet.
I would love to walk down Main Street Northampton right now and have some
pizza and maybe some ice cream. But here I am in India. I felt strongly
it was what I was supposed to do. I guess it is still, but it is not easy.
Nobody said it would be easy.
Well, sitting around waiting to go to Delhi tomorrow is itself kind of
agonizing. Well, I'm just going to do it. I have to do it. Oh well, I
guess I will just do it.
March 2, 1990
In New Delhi, India. India
is a hard place to be. I cannot stand it sometimes. Staying in some very
small hotel. The taxi driver gave us some story about all the hotels in
town being booked up except this one. Later found out the one I wanted
to stay in has many vacant rooms. I don't like being taken like that.
The thing about this trip is - I really do not feel like I am in the "Spiritual
Journey" mode. So much of my energy is being used on survival and
adjustment that I don't really seem to care about enlightenment right
now.
So, what am I doing here? Why don't I just pick up and go home? Well,
guess I can't do that. I keep thinking maybe there is a real purpose for
me to be here. If I go home now, I'll only learn I can't face the spiritual
journey. Is that the lesson here? Probably so. I really don't feel like
sitting around any ashram pretending to be excited about something or
another. I'm just so fearful I guess. Fearful that this trip is a total
waste - that is is a huge manifestation of my ego and it is not something
I can really live up to.
Monday, March 5, 1990
Well, here I am in Rishikesh
- second day. It seems with me that the first day is always a shock. Delhi
was certainly that way, Rishikesh too. Today I feel much more relaxed.
Today I found the address that Swami Yogeshswarananda gave me. Sri Vishnudananda
wasn't there, but I suppose I spoke with his wife. She said he would be
back at 5:00. I guess I will go see him then. I don't know why. She also
said Swami Yogeshswarinanda was in America again. So, I guess I won't
be seeing him.
I met Swami Yogeshswarananda
when I was an undergraduate student of Philosophy at Florida State University.
He came in his orange robes and gave talks every night for two weeks.
I attended every night and was transfixed by his continuous and monotone
voice. He would start out with something like, "The topic of tonight's
discussion is God, Man and the Universe…" and continue at a
steady pace for a couple of hours. He gave me a copy of his orange covered
book, The Yoga of Understanding,which is his commentary of the Bhagavad
Gita. I still have the book which shows his picture on the back cover.
I've never seen him again, but it is remarkable to contemplate how significant
his visit was to my eventual journey.
He gave me his address in Rishikesh, India. This address was the home
of his friend, Shi Vishnuananda. He is a teacher of Sanskrit at the local
grade school. He had a young son, about 10 years old, who spoke the best
English in the household.
I don't know why I am here
really. Am I on a spiritual pilgrimage? I don't really know. Today I do
see though that my trip certainly is not a "waste" as I wrote
in my previouis entry. It is already of value.
I keep worrying about money and calculating how much I need to last me
for how long. Number of rupees per day to stay on the 6 month plan/ 10
month plan, etc. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to spend
what I need, I think. I am staying in an expensive hotel room by Indian
standards. 60 Rupees per night, about $3.60.
Well anyway I am doing much better today. I had several water balloons
thrown at me yesterday - none today. I think the kind of vibes you send
out indeed determine what you receive.
The water balloons were thrown by Hindu boys celebrating the annual holiday,
The Festival of Colors, as I later learned.
March 6, 1990
Found Vishnudananda. He is
a very nice man. He says Swami will return to Rishikesh in 40 days. What
to do until then?
Today I've not done much. I slept late, read, meditated, went out and
bought a little food, looked at my maps to decide what to do.
It is interesting that I am eating so little and comparatively not feeling
hungry. I've also lost a lot of weight. I knew this would happen. I was
warned that this trip would do this. But it is true that my feelings towards
food was changing before I left. Food was always a problem. I was eating
too much cheese I think. Constantly Italian - Pizza mostly. But even before
that there has been a change in my diet. Namely, my natural evolution
toward vegetarianism.
I find it interesting about my diet. After all, I have been still must
be going through a lot of changes. I'm much happier with myself now. I
think myself more beautiful - I love myself much more. I'm just becoming
who I want to be. Continue>>
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