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April 2, 1990
I'm calendar watching now.
Made it to April. On the 13th it will mean exactly two months in Asia.
You see, I wish it were time to go home. This is a harsh place to be and
I dream of my glorious return to the good ole U.S.A. I never calendar
watch in Northampton. I love it there, truly. At least I think I do. At
least I will continue to feel that way about it until I'm shown otherwise.
So, why don't I just leave? Several times I have dreams about returning
home early. Then, I only have to go back again.
So, I may as well stay here until I've done what I need to do, whatever
that may be.
"When it is time to go home, I'll know."
[page 30 of the hardcopy manuscript]
Writing, writing, writing, thinking, thinking, thinking. Is there no end?
I could keep writing forever. It's quite easy, blah, blah, blah. Maybe
I should write? Yeah, I do write. I'm a writer. Whoopee?!
No, perhaps I should have more respect for it than that, but don't be
attached to it.
Well….I'm still in my cold brick Nepali room….Well…what
next….start describing all the noises, sensations…hum….cow
moos, children talking, gas stove next door hisses…hum…how does
that hit you?…After all the noises, sensations then what…another
philosophical treatise?…Would that satisfy you (me)…Maybe one
shouldn't sit silent in a room for so long…he might go CRAZY!…what
a trip. I sort of like it though.
Don't you see? When will the silence come? When will the peace come? Silence
and peace. They are there within us if only we know how to break through
the garbage which plagues our normal waking consciousness.
This is a clear example of
how my understanding of meditation has changed. As I've been taught, I
no longer try to make the mind "quiet" in meditation. Thoughts
are thoughts and just as much a part of the "What Is" as anything
else. Just sit and watch them come and go as any other experience of mind,
like a feeling or sensory perception. The mind will become quiet when
it becomes quiet.
I've often thought of this analogy: Imagine a large stemmed glass of water
or fish bowl, all stirred up and turbulent. How would you make it still
and clear. Certainly not by trying to force it to be still, by putting
your hand in and stopping the waves. No, that wouldn't work. What would
work is to just sit the vessel of water on a table and wait for it to
become still on its own accord.
[page 37 of the hard copy
manuscript]
The comforts of home, cozy living rooms with carpets and sofas. A cup
of herbal tea. Maybe a little MTV. Clean cars and streets and smooth roads.
Movies and shopping malls. Nice, grassy. Pleasant people, good friends.
Do I ever appreciate these things now.
Being in Nepal and India is like taking a trip to biblical times. Beggars
and lepers in the streets and animal sacrifices in the temples. And the
people seem no better off.
Thurday, April 19, 1990
I am beset with the feeling that I don't know what to do with my life.
Maybe subconsciously the dream of coming to India has kept me going for
the past couple of years - and the expectations of the spiritual search.
Now that I am here in India, I think maybe I'm at a loss because I just
feel like, "now what?"
I still have the spiritual search no matter what. It is just that India
is an illusion, so it appears to me right now. Still a few little things
to do here but nothing special is happening. Why do I expect it?
It is feeling more and more like time to go home.
The whole situation can change in a day…on an instant.
I'm feeling kind of depressed right now. Not desperately depressed, but
just a little unhappy.
What is the meaning of my life? What is it that I'm to do?
This is called losing faith.
I usually have faith in myself as a spiritual being, a spiritual teacher.
Being alone in my travels doesn't allow me to play that role much, so
I'm losing a grip on this idea of who "I" am.
And, I'm not feeling so driven as to go out and do an intense meditation
retreat. I'm not suffering. Suffering drives us on. Makes us want to know.
Right now I'm comfortable. Which creates a kind of suffering in as much
as it is boring.
…
Maybe I'm tired of sitting around this hotel room. I want to do something,
but I don't know what that something is. I know the most fulfilling experiences
I've ever had in my life have been spiritual. Either directly mystical
or when being with and talking to others in a spiritual way. When I am
filled with love in the act of doing. I've had these experiences many
times back at home and especially Northampton. But now, here in India
which is supposed to be a very spiritual place, such experiences seem
to be quite lacking. What is going on here?
Talk about my faith. Wasn't my trip here created and executed on an act
of faith? Northampton was beautiful, but my heart told me I had to reach
out and do a little more. I didn't know what that was; I kept searching.
Finally I hit upon, "go to India." Yes! That felt right. That
rang with truth through me. And everyone in my family was supportive and
everything worked out perfectly for me to take this trip. I cannot think
of one hang-up during the entire process of planning and coming here.
Of course, I worried needlessly. Such an act of faith appeared to have
proved itself as being true. Of course no promises were made about this
trip. But now I cannot help but to wonder but why? I've not really done
anything which seems particularly important. So what I say. If this is
all there is going to be to my trip here I just want to go home.
I should not say "oh, if I have faith I should stay and 'it' will
happen." No promises of "it" happening were made. Maybe
this is all there is to it. Maybe this is the experience. Who knows?
It seems I have to renew my visa in a few weeks. Maybe I will go to Delhi
and do that.
I will be what I am.
I have to remind myself not to worry. Have I not grown greatly in these
last couple of years? Don't I feel so much better about myself? Don't
I think of myself as a much more beautiful person than I ever have before?
Am I not much more self-assured when I meet other people? I must be doing
something right. I think there is no doubt. But how far can I trust it?
[page 51 of the hard copy manuscript]
One question which rolls over in my mind which I rarely have an outlet
of expression concerns a spiritual/mystic experience I had one time. What
brings it up today (although I very often think about it) is a passage
I read in my book The Spiritual Heritage of India. The passage is about
Krisna, "Lord who abides within the heart of all beings" (p.
95). "…And that God exists in all beings as the innermost Self.
In every heart Krisna is concealed, and when the veil of ignorance which
covers the inner sanctuary is withdrawn, we hear the voice of Krisna,
the very voice of God" (p. 95). The book goes on to explain this
is an experience which can be realized by everyone.
This is the experiece I have realized.
As I write now, it is just a memory, albeit a powerful one. Continue>>
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